Cheap laughs, men, women and sex
Couldn't be arsed to create separate pages for all of these
| What a perfect woman would say |
| Translating your partner's language |
| How to speak about the opposite sex and be politically correct |
| What life could have been |
| Two dwarves |
What a perfect woman would say:
Dream on, boys!
* I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
* Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
* I'm bored. Let's shave my little kitty, you big lion king!
* Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
* God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
* I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
* You're so sexy when you're hungover.
* I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
* Let's subscribe to Hustler.
* Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
* Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
* I'll be out painting the house.
* I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
* Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see!
* I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
* No, no ... I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
* Your mother did a great job raising you.
* Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
* I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
* Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
* Not the mall again! Come on let's go to that new strip joint!
* Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
* You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
* That was a great fart! Do another one!
* I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you...
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I hate my thighs
You're so .. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
Translating Mens' English
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I love you too = OK, I said it, can we have sex now?
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next 10 minutes
Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person, and maybe then, you'd like to have sex with me
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
How to speak about women and be politically correct:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOFERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
How to speak about men and be
politically correct:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it?
A death.
What's that, a bonus?!?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you go live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, go collect all your super, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like; central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an...
0rgasm!
Amen."
Two dwarves decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?". The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"