Philosophy
"Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This
monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work.
Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars."
-Gravestone Inscription
"On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten."
-Anon
"Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you."
-Anon
"You are accustomed to ostracism from childhood because you are overweight, deformed, stupid, or have an extremely short...
[deleted]."
-Anon
"All things being equal, you lose."
-Anon
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
-Anon
"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?"
-Anon
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die."
-Mel Brooks
"The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bereau]."
-Anon
"Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)"
-Anon
"Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency."
-Anon
"Trust in God, but lock your car."
-Anon
"Given a conflict, Murphy's law supercedes Newton's."
-Anon
"If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate."
-Anon
"To err is human. And stupid."
-Anon
"Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry."
-Anon
"Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry."
-Anon
"Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist."
-Anon
"A friend in need is a pest indeed."
-Anon
"A king's castle is his home."
-Anon
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA."
-Anon
"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism."
-Anon
"Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce."
-Anon
"Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time."
-Anon
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it."
-Anon
"Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it."
-Anon
"If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, feed them a crock!"
-Anon
"Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle."
-Anon
"Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him."
-Anon
"High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail."
-Anon
"You're never too old to learn something stupid."
-Anon
"All true wisdom is found on T-shirts."
-Anon
"It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way."
-Anon
"A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right."
-Anon
"In case of nuclear war, prayer in schools will be okay."
-Anon
"Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either."
-Anon
"Murphy was an optimist."
-Anon
"A closed mouth gathers no foot."
-Anon
"If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war--lots of accidents,
maybe."
-Anon
"Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?"
-Anon
"Hire a teenager while they still know it all."
-Anon
"When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane."
-Anon
"Enough research will tend to support your theory."
-Anon
"Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA."
-Anon
"Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat."
-Anon
"One good turn gets most of the blankets."
-Anon
"I had an IQ test. The results came back negative."
-Anon
"A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injories."
-Anon
"I know! I'll transcribe the conversations between the voices in my head and send them to you!!!"
-David Borenstein
"God Bless America, but God help Canada to put up with them!"
-Anon
"The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train."
-Anon
"An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance."
-Anon
"Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you."
-Anon
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it."
-Anon
"So many cheques, so little money."
-Anon
"Get thee down. Be thou funky."
-Anon
"Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser."
-Anon
"Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain."
-Anon
"As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841."
-Anon
"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
-Anon
"If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!"
-Anon
"Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle. Not even for lunch."
-Anon
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder."
-Anon
"Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot."
-Anon
"Moderation is good, but boring."
-Anon
"Heisenburg probably rules."
-Anon
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
-Anon
"What the hell, go and put all your eggs in one basket."
-Anon
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
-Anon
"To err is human, to forgive is against company policy."
-Anon
"Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper."
-Anon
"When all else fails, follow instructions."
-Anon
"If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments."
-Anon
"Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it."
-Anon
"Honour thy error as hidden intention."
-Anon
"Worship the gods, listen to their advice, but don't lend them money."
-Anon
"Don't judge a book by its movie."
-Anon
"Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking."
-Anon
"Chicken little only has to be right once."
-Anon
"In case of doubt, make it sound convincing."
-Anon
"Practice makes perfeckt."
-Anon
"God pulled an all-nighter on the sixth day."
-Anon
"If an experiment works, something has gone wrong."
-Anon
"Religions change, but beer and wine remain."
-Anon
"If at first you don't succeed...forget skydiving."
-Anon
"Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off."
-Anon
"Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it."
-Anon
"A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy."
-Anon
"If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
-Anon
"Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail your friends."
-Anon
"Change is inevitable, except from vending machines."
-Anon
"Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
-Fletcher Knebel
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
-Anon
"He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll grab his tricorder."
-Anon
"He who throws mud loses ground."
-Anon
"Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved."
-Anon
"A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother."
-Anon
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schitzophrenic, and so am I."
-Anon
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together."
-Carl Zwanig
"Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh."
-Anon
"Money is the root of all wealth."
-Anon
"If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool."
-Anon
"No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong."
-Anon
"You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever."
-Anon
"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."
-Anon
"There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives."
-Anon
"Start off every day with a smile and get it over with."
-Anon
"Virtue is it's own punishment."
-Anon
"There are two times I feel stress--day and night."
-Anon
"Avoid reality at all costs."
-Anon
"A penny saved is ridiculous!"
-Anon
"A good pun is its own reword."
-Anon
"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."
-Anon
"When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing."
-Anon
"Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice."
-Anon
"A steak a day keeps the cows dead."
-Anon
"All general statements are false."
-Anon
"Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away."
-Anon
"Every silver lining has a cloud."
-Anon
"The real world is a special case."
-Anon
"Langsam's Law: Everything depends."
-Anon
"Most people deserve each other."
-Anon
"The trouble with getting a life is making the payments."
-Anon
"Never tell them what you wouldn't want to do."
-Anon
"Silence is one great art of conversation."
-Anon
"Nostalgia is okay but not what it used to be."
-Anon
"All the world's a stage...most of us are just stagehands."
-Anon
"Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created."
-Anon
"There is more room in your head for thoughts than thoughts in your head for room."
-Anon
"A hell of a fat chance my orange bears had."
-Kenneth Patchen
"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a
Dog?"
-Anon
"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread."
-Anon
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
-Anon
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."
-Anon
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
-Anon
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
-Anon
"There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who
can't."
-Anon
"The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required on it."
-Anon
"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must
be found and stopped."
-Sam Stevenson
"Monday is the root of all evil."
"Being superstitious brings bad luck."
-Anon
"When you're run down the best thing to take is the licence number."
-Anon
"Beware of sheep in sheep's clothing."
-Anon
"Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, according to Webster's."
-Anon
"Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers."
-Anon
"Skydiving...good 'till the last drop."
-Anon
"Where subtlety fails us we must simply make do with cream pies."
-Anon
"Get the facts first, THEN panic!"
-Anon
"It's only fun if you can get in trouble
-Anon
"Reality can be beaten with enough imagination."
-Anon
"The reward for a job well done is more work."
-Anon
"The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink."
-Anon
"Patience will come to he who waits for it."
-Anon
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up."
-Anon
"Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."
-Anon
"Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for."
-Anon
"Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid."
-Anon
"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."
-Anon
"When in doubt, give advice."
-Anon
"After all is said and done, usually more is said."
-Anon
"All that glitters has a high refractive index."
-Anon
"Three can keep a secret, if two are dead."
-Anon
"Fool-proof implies a finite number of fools."
-Anon
"Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first."
-Anon
"LSD melts your mind, not in your hand."
-Anon
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician."
-Anon
"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value."
-Anon
"Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery."
-Anon
"The bigger they are, the harder they hit."
-Anon
"The Two Rules of Success: 1. Don't tell everything you know."
-Anon
"Nothing is so smiple that it can't be screwed up."
-Anon
"Anything that kills you makes you...well, dead."
-Anon
"Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them."
-Anon
"Two wrongs don't make a right--three lefts do."
-Anon
"A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame."
-Anon
"People who live in glass houses...shouldn't."
-Anon
"Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand."
-Anon
"Never hit a man when he's down. He may get back up again."
-Anon
"Behind every successful man stands a woman waiting for his job."
-Anon
"The Earth is like a grain of sand, only bigger."
-Anon
"If a problem has a single neck, it has a simple solution."
-Anon
"Never draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Anon
"Eagles fly; but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines."
-Anon
"A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken."
-Anon
"A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead."
-Anon
"Take 20 aspirins and you'll feel better, if you wake up."
-Anon
"Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye."
-Anon
"The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line."
-Anon
"A man's house is his hassle."
-Anon
"Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep 'till noon."
-Anon
"Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses."
-Anon
"A little greed can get you lots of stuff."
-Anon
"After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat."
-Anon
"Atheists have no invisible means of support."
-Anon
"Adolescence is when children start bringing up their parents."
-Anon
"Relax. Only dread one day at a time."
-Anon
"Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art."
-Anon
"Beware the fury of a patient woman."
-Anon
"The problem with reality is the lack of background music."
-Anon
"Don't count your checks before they're cashed."
-Anon
"Common sense isn't."
-Anon
"Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written."
-Anon
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
-Anon
"Be alert...the world needs more lerts."
-Anon
"Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune time."
-Anon
"Friends come and go but enemies accumulate."
-Anon
"For every problem there is a simple solution, and it's always wrong."
-Anon
"Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana."
-Groucho Marx
"If you can't speak softly, just use the stick."
-Anon
"Live long enough to be a problem to your kids."
-Anon
"Those who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass."
-Anon
"Gravity always wins."
-Anon
"We are the people our parents warned us about."
-Jimmy Buffett
"Tourists are terrorists with cameras. Terrorists are tourists with
guns."
-Anon
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."
-Anon
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many
is
research."
-Anon
"No one is listening until you make a mistake."
-Anon
"If you can remember the '60s, then you weren't there."
-Anon
"There is someone willing to argue about any point."
-I don't know, but I'll argue any attribution
The problem with pessimists is that they're right too much.
Today is the last day of some of your life.
Virtue is one thing that doesn't seem to become worth more when less is in circulation.
Success is 1% inspiration, 9% Perspiration, and 90% people's response to your 10%
Looks might not matter in the long run, but without them, you won't take a single step.
The only minority that aren't oppressed are the rich.
Dope is much more readily available than hope.
The shortest distance between two truths is a lie.
Your brain is like a vacuum cleaner. It sucks when you have to use it.
Most of the heavier elements in life eventually break down into pride
It's who we don't say no to that defines who we are.
The toll is highest on the road less traveled.
Foolish tastes a lot better going down than it does coming back up.
Rash decisions bleed consequences.
The only things I want to give you are orders.
Leave the deep things for the rich to ponder.
There are other fish in the nostril.
I'm not ugly, I'm just aesthetically ambiguous.
Death is a once in a lifetime experience.
Life is like a package from the Unabomber... ya never know what you're gonna get.
Stolen from some website or other by Holdsworth