Seamarks' jokes
Two buddies, Jeff and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Jeff throws up all over himself. "Oh, no," he gasps, " Jane will kill me!!"
"Don't worry, pal," Steve replies. "Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay another couple hours getting steadily drunker. Eventually Jeff rolls home.
Jane immediate starts on him. "You reek of alcohol and you puked all over yourself!" she screams. "My God, you are disgusting!"
"Nowainaminit," says Jeff, speaking very carefully so as not to slur, "I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you thinks, I only had a couple drinks! But this other guy got sick on me. He'd had one too many and cou'n't hold his liquor! He said he was sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in his breast pocket. "But this is forty dollars!" she exclaims. "Oh yea..." says Jeff. "I almos' forgot! He shit in my pants, too."
Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and says "AND WHAT TIME TO DO YOU CALL THIS?" His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, "How about a blow job?" She's always sound asleep.
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly ignorant to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"
Matt Rolph telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into work today, I'm sick." "How sick are you ?" asks his boss. "Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister."
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk,the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good", he replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator. The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of factly, "It looks like cum". The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like cum". The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims, "Well, it's nobody from our building."
A guy walks into a pub and sees a
sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich 1.50
Chicken Sandwich 2.50
Hand Job 10.00
Checking his wallet he finds one single tenner, he walks up to
the bar beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive
blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?"
she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?",
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "Are you the
one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs,
"Indeed I am." The man replies, "Well wash your
fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich."
Mostly donated by the ever fertile inbox of Miss Sarah Seamarks if you couldn't guess.